How We Love
May 01, 2019
by Jessie Mejias
Growing up in the Roman Catholic faith I was taught some valuable lessons about how we should treat each other, and that we should put others before ourselves. These lessons have stood me in good stead and continue to remind me of the call to be Christ-like, or self-less, in my daily walk. However, over the years I have observed that many Christians, (Roman Catholic and Protestant alike) take the call for selflessness to a degree that I believe is not what God intended for us. This version of selflessness never considers my own feelings, needs and desires.
I distinctly remember rebelling against this idea of selflessness for the first time as a teenager. I lived in New York City and rode the public transit system often. I had been told over and over that I was to show deference to the elderly. However, my experience of elderly bus riders was that they were rude, pushy and demanding. In my heart, I was determined not to respect those who were disrespectful to me--even if they were old. This decision, that was contrary to my upbringing, was tempered eventually by maturity and by my commitment to faith in Christ. For many years I was mentored by a godly woman who patiently reminded me time and again that “you can never be too kind.” I began to see that many Christians did not extend that kindness to themselves. Instead they had bought into what I believe is a misunderstanding of selflessness or “Worm theology.” Worm theology is derived from the Isaac Watts hymn “Alas! And Did My Savior Bleed,” one line of which says, “Would He devote that sacred head for such a worm as I?”, and is defined as “the idea in Christian culture that in light of God's holiness and power an appropriate emotion is a low view of self.”[1]
If I am nothing but a worm then it makes sense that I have very little worth and consequently “not lovable." After all, who would love something—or someone—that has very little value? And if I don’t love myself how do I reconcile this view with the Lord’s injunction to love my neighbor as myself? (Matthew 22:39)
This leads to the question: how do I define “loving myself?” My understanding of loving myself is seeing myself as an object of God’s love and therefore of great worth and value. It doesn’t mean putting myself first in everything (it would hard to be a loving mother if I did!). On the other hand, it means accepting and believing that I am worthy of being treated with kindness and respect, without demanding that same kindness and respect from others. If I know how I want to be treated, I will be aware of how others should be treated, which is the message of Luke 6:31: “Do to others as you would have them do to you.” (NIV) This also means forgiving ourselves and others because God has forgiven all of us.
Worm theology also says, “my feelings don’t matter.” When that happens it’s hard to feel for others in circumstances similar to our own. I believe this leads to a society that lacks basic empathy for one another.
I am appalled consistently by the fact that things haven’t changed so much since I was a teenager and saw rude people of all ages on the subway. Today’s rudeness may look different. It may take the form of not feeling the necessity to respond to invitations, emails or texts; or it may be taking a commitment lightly, despite the fact that others may be counting on you. It may even look like dropping out of someone’s life without explanation leaving the other person to wonder what they did.
There are many reasons why people may behave in ways that are less than gracious--only God knows a person’s heart. However, I am convinced that this type of behavior is often consistent with someone who has been taught that they are not deserving of respect or love. They struggle to put themselves in another person’s shoes and as a consequence are unable to extend to common courtesy others because they don’t expect to receive it themselves.
God wants us to come out from this trap of the enemy. He wants us to know and receive His love for us, and to know and accept His regard for us. Then, from that deep knowledge of our worth and value, treat others the way we want to be treated, as those of worth and value.
